Let’s be real. We bring on most things ourselves. Most relationship issues, financial issues, spoiled kid issues, and other unpleasant issues, we create. Nobody does it to us. We do it. (Please refer to your own list for exceptions) So, as I sit here on the third day after my ER visit, I ponder my own situation. Am I attracted to humor and lunacy? Do I bring this on myself? Does anyone else get stuck in their work chair and have to be taken away by ambulance? I don’t know. Help me out here. Let’s back track a bit to the weekend. The weekend when I thought it would be a good idea to find that old jump rope and revisit the basement with the kids to do what I like to call improvisational exercise. This means, taking random items that you find in the basement and making them into some sort of exercise. For example, if you kneel on the ground and grab onto a skateboard in front of you and let the skateboard roll out until you are flat out facing the ground, this is really good for your abs. See kids!? Then you roll it back in, like this. (I’m 48 by the way) Another thing you can do is use the poles in the basement. You know, run and jump and grab the pole and try to stay up, like those pole dancers do. They are so strong. Of course I slid down immediately, but it felt good for about a ½ of a second while I was up there. I never do squats and decided that this is probably why my ass looks the way it does. I was determined that this weekend I was going to fix all that. Squat 1. Squat 2. Squat 3. This is easier than I thought! Feeling like a million bucks, I continued with this energy level right into Monday spin class where I was the leader of the pack. (In my mind.) The instructor is a good friend of mine, so he calls out my name a lot and I have no choice but to “deliver the goods.” (This is his spin class term that essentially means, to push yourself, to give your body what it wants.). Anyway, off to work I go. I am un-stoppable! I am deliverer of the goods! I am, until I decide to grab the telephone while simultaneously plopping hard into my chair. “Helloooo mother fucking mother of GODDDDDDD!!!!” (Translation: OUCHY!!) . What the heck just happened? Oh, the pain!!!
Eventually, I push it aside because I find a comfortable position in my chair. Pain is not something I know too much about so, in my mind, as long as I am comfortable the pain must have left the building. My dad comes in and advises me that I should really walk it off if I think that I may have hurt something. “Okay,” I say and I begin to get up. Things are going well until I hit a point, the point of no return. The pain hits, dizziness hits, sweat joins me and vomiting is very close by. “I’m going down dad. I’m going down!!” With the help of cold water, a swig of apple cider vinegar and my dad offering me a ham sandwich (huh dad?), I regain full consciousness . The pain begins to subside. Note: It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. (Yes, yes, including natural labor!) I continue this pattern for hours. Working and thinking, “Hmm..maybe it’s gone now,” to “Perhaps I should try again to leave this chair?” Each time I try, I get stopped by the pain monster. Eventually my husband comes to get me and I get wheeled out to the car, in my work chair, where my husband and my very strong brother and strong father try to get me into the car. I can’t even manage to get to a point where they can just push me in and shut the door. The pain is that bad. So the ambulance takes me away and off I go to ER. Here at ER they methodically ask me questions. They don’t really want to hear my whole life story because they’re real busy and they just want facts. I try to keep it short. I tell them, “The pole. The skateboard. The twerking. The jump-rope. The spin. The phone call.” They run all the tests and rule out spinal injuries, kidney issues, and other serious issues and deduce that it is probably a muscular issue. (I know they wanted to add, “That was triggered by mental issues,” but they’re not allowed) So, I sit here and wonder. (Correction, I’m not sitting. Sitting hurts pretty badly. I’m lying face down on the living room floor typing, but saying “Lying on the floor face down pondering” just doesn’t sound as good.) Back to what I was saying, I ponder the question, “Did I bring this on myself?” Of course I did and like most self-inflicted issues, I am going to heal, I am going to forget about the pain and I am probably going to do it again. This brings me to the real burning question and that is, “Who is up for taking a pole dancing class?” I’m looking at a time frame of somewhere between 4 to 6 weeks from now.